New Element discovered by scientists at CERN

A guest post by John Planter – with tongue firmly in cheek…..

 

Scientists at CERN in Geneva have announced the discovery of the HEAVIEST element yet known to science.

AND yes … it was discovered in Great Britain , which is now the leading producer.

The new element is Governmentium (Gv).  It has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lefton-like particles called peons.

Since  Governmentium has no electrons or protons, it is inert.  However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes in contact.

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BREAKING – Hammond’s budget details leaked

A tongue in cheek guest post from the pen of John Planter…..

 

Housing will not be the huge problem first thought as the allocated financial resources have been adjusted.

As Universal credit ensures more are homeless they will not be requiring accommodation as they will be sleeping in hedges with all the other poor people. The cost of concrete will fall as footings for new estates can use the newly deceased homeless as hardcore.

Boris Johnson was overheard to say he wanted to be a future leader of the Tories, Theresa May who overheard is said to have asked him for a few tips.

Women who expected a pension at the age promised them for decades are being reformed.

Mr Hammond is expected to point out they cannot expect a pension without going out to work for it. After all, didn’t they sit at home with children for a decade or two expecting their husbands pension to cover them ? Mr Hammond is expected to say that as grandparents were free those women affected could easily have gone out and found employment instead of choosing to be spongers. How hard can it be to raise children? This lifestyle choice of having children without working must end as we know everyone will benefit from being in work. Only those who can afford children will be issued the new state permit to attempt to bring them into the world. The permit is tax deductible for those earning over £60,000 PA and all stockbrokers, MP’s, and city bankers.

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Industrial action stifles the rise of terrorism?

Guest writer John Planter shows the old fashioned English trait of making humour out of a bad situation…..

 

Al Quds 2014 - Ladies with HB flagsMuslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death would be cut next month from 72 to 54. A spokesman said increases in recent years in the number of suicide bombings has resulted in a shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (B.O.O.M.!) responded with a statement saying the move was unacceptable to its members and called for a strike vote. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth”.

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Woman in a balloon

CloudhoppersA woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him,

“Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”

She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be a Liberal voter.”

 

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A farmer talks politics

CowWhile stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders.
The old farmer said, “Well, as I see it, most politicians are ‘Post Tortoises’.’
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a ‘post tortoise’ was.
The old farmer said, “When you’re driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that’s a post tortoise.”
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor’s face so he continued to explain. “You know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong up there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there, he’s elevated beyond his ability to function,and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with.”

Best explanation of a politician I’ve ever heard.

 

Cameron’s health care proposals – An alternative view

Sent to me by an old friend and customer – Laughter is the best medicine of all!

 

The Royal College of Nursing has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron’s health care proposals for the National Health Service.

Cameron outside parliament

 

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but theDermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.
The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.
The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.
Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.   Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the   Paediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up.”
The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.
The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.
The Ear Nose and Throat specialists didn’t swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.
The Pharmacists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the
Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter….”
The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the
Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.
The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the
Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.
In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Whitehall.

I am the very model of a European functional

The following was sent to me by UKIP PPC for Hendon, Jeremy Zeid (Pictured below), reprinted  for your enjoyment.

If he fails to become MP for Hendon, a career on radio comedy shows surely awaits!

Jeremy Zeid

I am the very model of a European functional,

We use tax-paid propaganda to control you peasants, plebs and proles,

I make up pointless regulations and I quote the rules historical,

To Regions and to Governments, of these I’m categorical,

I’m extremely well acquainted with procedures bureaucratical,

It’s all about the power and the rest of you don’t mattical,

About economic theory, I have really very simple views,

That money earned by others is for us to confiscate and use

 

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