BREAKING – Hammond’s budget details leaked

A tongue in cheek guest post from the pen of John Planter…..

 

Housing will not be the huge problem first thought as the allocated financial resources have been adjusted.

As Universal credit ensures more are homeless they will not be requiring accommodation as they will be sleeping in hedges with all the other poor people. The cost of concrete will fall as footings for new estates can use the newly deceased homeless as hardcore.

Boris Johnson was overheard to say he wanted to be a future leader of the Tories, Theresa May who overheard is said to have asked him for a few tips.

Women who expected a pension at the age promised them for decades are being reformed.

Mr Hammond is expected to point out they cannot expect a pension without going out to work for it. After all, didn’t they sit at home with children for a decade or two expecting their husbands pension to cover them ? Mr Hammond is expected to say that as grandparents were free those women affected could easily have gone out and found employment instead of choosing to be spongers. How hard can it be to raise children? This lifestyle choice of having children without working must end as we know everyone will benefit from being in work. Only those who can afford children will be issued the new state permit to attempt to bring them into the world. The permit is tax deductible for those earning over £60,000 PA and all stockbrokers, MP’s, and city bankers.

Movement of labour and the EU

It is expected Mr Hammond will announce a breakthrough in cost savings with the EU. He is expected to announce the recently homeless and unemployed will be deported to Turkey where there is a surplus of vacancies in the security sector due to American military intentions supported by Mr Hammond

There will be very little extra money for defense spending but some unexpected income may be available. As the new flagship aircraft carrier is readied for deployment in support of the Americans around North Korea it is hoped Vladimir Putin might put some surplus MIGS aside for the Navy to collect. This would be a bonus as HMS Queen Elizabeth has no aircraft because we scrapped them and the aging Russian planes are superior to the new American rubbish we agreed to buy while negotiating a trade deal for Bombardier. Also a fitting opportunity for a flagship named after a Queen is the fleet of Monarch airlines could be adapted to carry airborne troops. These troops are being notified of this and yanked out of retirement as another facet of reforms. Why get old quietly when you can have a job and show lazy women wanting a free pension how it’s done?

The economy

We intend to tax everything and anyone for any reason. However, for those earning £60,000 PA or more we intend to stimulate their ability to drive the economy with tax cuts.

Equality

No money will be allocated as we believe people of quality should enjoy the fruits of the labour of those who are not. All will be equal in a Conservative Britain and we will ensure all people not born of quality have from birth an equal right to apply for foodbank use tokens once the lazy sods get a job.

Pensions

We believe that in line with our equality policy, pensioners should not be allowed to become victims of their own success. We will ensure all people of pension age can and will continue working until their natural death. By not paying out pensions this will save money.

Schools

An exciting new curriculum for the post Brexit nation we are creating.
Children will learn and grow in a society created by Conservatives for growth. We intend to grow our wealth and prestige as a nation for those of our nation (people of quality).

Children will understand that living in deprived areas should not hold them back and we will remove barriers for them to obtain decent work and be as inventive as their ancestors who made this country great.

Chimney sweeps under four feet tall and pulling carts in reopened tin mines are all excellent career choices for children and will give them a good start in life. We will offer to contract opening mines and soot collections services with various international corporations.

Mr Hammond is too busy to reply to Theresa May’s request for a few tips until after the budget

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