Terrorist threat levels – What they really mean

In light of recent warnings from the government about increased ‘threat levels’, I am posting the meanings of these as explained to me by my English Democrat colleague, Rod Bridger.

Rod is chairman of our Hastings branch, and I would like to thank him for lifting the mood somewhat with the following post on his facebook page….

International Threat Levels

 

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats, and have therefore raised their security level from “miffed” to “peeved”. Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A bit cross”.

The English have not been “A bit cross” since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.Terrorists have been re-classified from “Tiresome” to “A bloody nuisance”. The last time the English issued a “Bloody nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed off” to “Let’s get the B******s” – They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised it’s terror alert level from “run” to “hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “surrender” and “collaborate”. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “shout loudly and excitedly” to “elaborate military posturing”. Two more levels remain – “ineffective military operations” and “change sides”.

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful arrogance” to “Dress in uniform and sing marching songs”

They also have two higher levels – “invade a neighbour” and “lose”.

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual – The only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms, so that the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at where Nelson and Drake  put the old Spanish Navy

Americans,meanwhile, are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies “just in case”.

Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.

New Zealand has raised it’s alert levels from “baa” to “BAAA”. Due to continuing defence cutbacks, New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”

Australia, meanwhile, has raised it’s security level from “no worries” to “she’ll be alright, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey”, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”.

So far, no situation has ever warranted the use of the final escalation level.

NOTE TO THE PC BRIGADE – This is not the view of the English Democrats party, but is an attempt at schoolboy humour by some of it’s members. We should know better – The fact that we don’t shows that the Dunkirk spirit is still alive and well!

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